


A Cousland's Pride

by Jaaxny



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: End Game Spoilers, F/M, One-Sided Relationship, Sadness, landsmeet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 22:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3505811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaaxny/pseuds/Jaaxny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elissa Cousland thinks she's fallen in love with Alistair Therin. But when she finally works up the courage to tell him, she finds she's already too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Cousland's Pride

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've really ever written and posted, so I apologize if it's not very good. I wrote this at like 3 AM to try and make my friends cry because I'm a horrible person. Anyways, enjoy.

Elissa hesitated outside Alistair’s room. It seemed like lifetimes had passed, but they had finally reached Denerim with Arl Eamon. A Landsmeet was going to be called and Loghain would have to answer for his crimes. And Alistair would be king. Elissa still wasn't sure whether or not Arl Eamon was making the right decision making Alistair king.

But after Anora had turned against them as they had attempted to rescue her from Howe, she wasn’t sure she wanted Loghain’s daughter ruling the country. She claimed she only did it to protect herself, to make sure that no one thought she would betray her father. The whole situation made Elissa groan quietly. It was all one giant headache.

These thoughts are what had driven her to Alistair’s room. They had been fighting side by side since she had become a Grey Warden. After losing her entire family, she had come to lean on him for support. They had become fast friends, but her feelings for him were something more. Elissa was fairly sure she loved him, but even as a small child, she was a warrior. She knew the feel a blade in a hand, a shield on her arm. The sensation of blocking an enemy’s attack and finding a weakness in their defense. She didn’t know love. At least, not this kind of love.

Elissa loved her family. She was her father’s Pup. She had adored him as soon as she could put her love into words. She loved her mother, despite how she knew her mother wanted her to be a little more lady like, but her mother was a warrior herself, so she understood. She loved her brother, who, despite picking on her for nearly her entire life, she envied and admired. He was all she sought to be in a warrior and she wanted to live up to his expectations, for her shadow to cast one as large as his.

So when she found herself seeing Alistair as more than a friend, she was confused. She often spent time with just her Mabari, bouncing questions off his head. Sadly he couldn’t give her the answers she sought. She even tried asking Zevran and Leliana for their opinions without giving away too much. She didn’t want to appear weak. She was a warrior and they were in the middle of a Blight. There wasn’t time for love.

Instead, Elissa kept her feelings close to her heart and loved Alistair from afar. She never felt safer than when she knew he was watching her back. In battle, they were a force to be reckoned with. When they made camp, they sat together and joked, sharing stories from childhood. Alistair told her more of the Grey Wardens and Elissa told him what is was like being the daughter of a Teyrn.

But now Elissa felt they were reaching the end of their journey. If they managed to overthrow Loghain at the Landsmeet, the next clear option was to find the Archdemon and destroy it and the Blight. If she didn’t tell Alistair how she felt, before everything went up in flames, she felt like she would never have the chance. So she raised her hand and knocked on his door.

Alistair called for her to enter and she pushed open the door. He looked up and smiled at her, setting aside the book he had been reading. Elissa fidget near the doorway, not really wanting to get any closer. To have a clear escape route in case this went badly. She took a deep breath in and let it out, prepared for the worse.

“Alistair, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about. It, um, important. Concerning the Landsmeet.” She wrung her hands together, trying not to make eye contact with him. Maker, she felt like she was a child again and in trouble for dragging mud through the castle.

“Ah, I wanted to speak with you about that,” he started. Her gaze snapped to his as he continued to speak. “After thinking everything through, I agree with Eamon. I’ll become king, if we make it out of the Landsmeet on top.” Elissa nodded along and opened her mouth to speak, not realizing he wasn’t finished talking.

“I want to Anora to rule with me.”

Elissa stared at him for what felt ages. “You want Anora, the woman who turned on us and got us thrown in prison in Fort Drakon, awaiting  _execution_ , to rule beside you as queen.” Her words felt cruel and harsh even to her. She saw him wince, but she felt like he deserved it. Especially considering what she had come to tell him.

“When you say it like that, it sounds bad. But I have thought this over. Alone, I would make a mess of the country. And she is a Therin only in name. Together, we can continue my father and brother’s line and Anora can help me learn and make the right decisions that Ferelden needs to rebuild after the Blight is over.”

Elissa couldn’t believe what she was hearing. He had chosen Anora over her, before she had even had the chance to tell him how she truly felt. She felt choked, air refusing to move through her lungs. Even if he felt the same way, she wouldn’t stoop to being anything less than an equal by his side. She was a Cousland, and if she had anything, she still had her pride.

Taking a few deep breaths to calm herself., she nodded. “I see where you’re coming from. If Loghain doesn’t kill us all, I’ll make sure you get what you want.” She gave him a weak smile and turned for the door. She managed to make it out of the room and down the fall before the tears started falling.

* * *

 

 

Elissa returned to their camp outside Denerim, finding it blessedly empty. She couldn’t stand being in the same city as Alistair and Anora right, let alone having them both down the hall where she was sleeping. Instead, she rummaged through the things her companions had left behind, managing to find liquor among Zevran’s things. She raised the bottle towards the city that shone in the distance and downed the contents.

Leliana and Zevran found her a few hours later and held their friend as she confessed everything that had happened between choked sobs.

When they walked into the Landsmeet the next morning, she was every inch Elissa Cousland, proud and fearless Grey Warden. Then, she didn’t know they would add “Hero of Ferelden” to her many titles that bore down on her shoulders to the point where she felt like sinking.

* * *

 

The Landsmeet had gone better than she had hoped. In the end, it had come down to single combat. Elissa could tell that Alistair wanted her to name him her champion, but fighting Loghain was something she needed to do. She had put every ounce of her despair, her hatred, her fear into that fight and had stood victorious. Warden Riordan had prevented her from killing him, stating that he could serve better as a Grey Warden, if he survived the Joining. And of course he survived, as if to spite her. But she found him very much welcome after the news Riordan shared with her.

Only Grey Wardens could kill the Archdemon. That was just her luck, wasn’t it? One of them was going to have to die. Riordan had told them that, generally, the oldest Warden would make the killing blow, as they had less time left until they were Called. So maybe she wouldn’t have to die. Maker willing, if Riordan failed, Loghain would make the final blow.

Elissa once again found herself outside Alistair’s room. This time, the door was open and he wasn’t alone. He was deep in conversation with Anora and Loghain. The serious looks on their face made her leave at once. Who was she kidding? Clearly Alistair and Anora’s relationship would be strained if Loghain died. Even though Alistair detested the man, an idiot could tell that Anora would be unhappy if her father died. No, it would be Riordan who would kill the Archdemon. If he failed, she would do it herself. She owed everyone that.

She returned to her room to find Morrigan waiting for her. She listened quietly as her friend described a ritual, a ritual that would save them all. All she had to do was have sex with either Alistair or Loghain and she would somehow be able to ensure none of them had to perish destroying the Archdemon. Morrigan begged Elissa to convince one of them to agree to this insane plan. Elissa agreed, leaving her room. But instead of seeking out either of her fellow Wardens, she found her way to the gardens of the palace.

There were trees in the garden, tall enough for her to climb. She scaled one quickly, settling in against the trunk, staring up at the stars. She had often climbed trees as a child to escape from her brother. More often than not, she would climb too high and her father would have to fetch her down. She chuckled at the memories, not even noticing she had started to cry until the tears blurred her vision. She grieved for her lost family, for her lost future. But she was resigned to her duty, so she forced the tears away and put on a brave face. After all, she was a Cousland and she still had her pride.

Elissa returned to Morrigan and lied to her friend. Said that both Alistair and Loghain had refused to take part in her ritual. She could tell Morrigan was upset, very well knowing that the woman she had come to consider her sister could die. But Morrigan accepted what Elissa said and left. When she was gone, Elissa locked the door, sat down at the desk in her room, and began to write a very difficult letter.

* * *

 

Elissa felt like laughing as she faced the Archdemon. After fighting through what seemed like an endless amount of Darkspawn, here she was, facing her death. Riordan was dead. He had managed to wound the Archdemon; it wouldn’t be able to escape her now. Behind her, she heard someone yelling her name. Somewhere in the back of her mind she recognized the voice as Alistair’s. She forced back the despair that welled in her and charged the dragon with a yell. She was a Cousland. She would die on the battlefield, protecting her country, her king. All because of her damned pride.

* * *

 

They hailed her as the Hero of Ferelden. Elissa Cousland, who had laid down her life to slay the Archdemon and end the Blight.

Alistair hated every moment of it.

He was forced to preside over her funeral. Watch as flames consumed what was left of his friend. He was lucky to have Anora at his side. She whispered all the right things for him to say, the motions to make. Finally, she let him return to his quarters to sleep.

Alistair found Leliana waiting outside his door. She smiled faintly when she saw him and held out something for him. He gave her a confused look as he took it. It was a letter with his name on it. He was startled to see that it was Elissa’s handwriting and looked to Leliana for an answer. She simply shrugged. “I found it in her room, when I was cleaning up her things. She left it out. She probably wanted you to have it.” She gave him a gentle squeeze to the shoulder and left him.

Alistair locked the door to his room, broke the wax seal on the letter, and began to read the last words he would ever hear from his closest friend.

* * *

 

_“I’ve always had trouble telling people how I feel. My father always said I was born a warrior, ready to hold a sword. For years, I saw nothing but what came at me, what crossed blades with me. When Howe killed my parents, destroyed my life, I saw becoming a Grey Warden as a means of eventual revenge. When Loghain quit the field and let your brother die, I saw my thoughts and desires justified. They worked together. They could die together for betraying my family. For betraying Ferelden._

_And then you came along. You distracted me from my pain with your humor. Or flirting. Whatever you want to call that thing you do when you talk. Nevertheless, it was a good distraction. Too good. I found I began to crave your company, your laugh, your smile._

_I don’t understand what loving you means. I understand what love from my family is. There’s no denying that I love them. I understand what love from my friends is. Never could have I chosen a better group of people face the end of the world with. If I could have stayed to protect them from the pain I know I caused them, I would have. But I couldn’t._

_What I don’t understand is loving you. Maker, seeing you happy makes me feel happy. How does that make any sense? How can you make me feel like my entire world would come to a halt if you somehow disappeared from it? I was raised to be able to face anything I can meet with a blade in my hand and a shield on my arm. But I can’t face the possibility of losing you in combat. I can’t bash the butterflies I get in my stomach when I hear you laugh over the head. I can’t fight this head on and I don’t understand it._

_I was going to tell you. I agonized it for days. But I figured if we were going to die, then maybe I could at least die knowing that maybe you loved me too. That maybe you could help me understand what loving you meant. That maybe knowing that your world would come to a halt as well if I disappeared. That maybe you could give the strength to fight the impossible._

_But that night you picked Anora instead. I know you don’t love her, at least not now. Part of you admires her for doing what has to be done. For being and ruthless and beautiful at the same time. And I envy her for that. I can be ruthless, but I can’t be ruthless for you. I can’t be the queen that I thought I could be. I can’t wear a dress and look beautiful. I can’t charm all the nobles and wrap them around my finger. But Anora can do that for you, and I’m glad._

_I almost told you a second time, after Riordan told us that one of us had to die. For a moment, I felt selfish. Riordan would die. If not him, Loghain. And then me. Every one of us would stand before you, laying down our lives for king and country. But when I came to try and confess, even though it didn’t matter, I knew I couldn’t. I saw you with Anora and Loghain. And I knew I couldn’t take a father away from his daughter. If I had done to Anora what Howe had done to me, I was just as low as he was._

_So when Morrigan told me there was a ritual that would save all our lives, I told her no. You don’t need to know the details. Truly, it wasn’t your decision to make. I won’t live as a coward, no matter what I have to face down. I would rather see Ferelden burn than let myself survive by having you or Loghain take part in that ritual. If I could have done it myself? That would have been different. But I couldn’t and it made me feel like a coward._

_I told them to hold you back. Couldn’t risk you trying to be a big damn hero and save the day. The final blow was mine to make. Obviously I did, if you’re reading this. I’m not sorry. I did it because I love you. You’ll be happier this way. With Anora. I’m a warrior, Alistair, and I’ll never be content in a time of peace. But I’ll go out facing down a dragon. They’ll sing songs and one day everyone will forget about the Grey Warden who ended the Fifth Blight. But even if they forget, there will still be that one moment in time where a girl owned up to her fears and faced down an Archdemon._

_As a Cousland, I can do nothing less._

_And I still have my pride._

_Forever,_

_Elissa Cousland.”_


End file.
